Life has become a pain. I'm trying to stay alive. Here comes the complaining.

My lease ends in a month. I've given up on moving somewhere nicer. But I have no idea if I'll get approved for any apartment. We don't make 3x rent, which everyone seems to want. Being homeless has felt less like a possibility and more like an incoming reality. I have been making disaster plans. I don't know.

I felt initially resentful towards myself for not choosing to stay here (in my apartment that's literally rotting from mold), but my current apartment has decided to switch the locks out for "smart locks", same for the thermostat - literally, received a letter advertising that my home was now becoming a "Smart Home". I did not ask for this. I cannot imagine that anyone living here wanted it. And now they can remotely control my thermostat. Fun.

Rejection after rejection. Feeling less and less like a human being. Connecting to others gets harder after each failure. Is it worth it to even try to keep in contact, if anything does happen to me? It's like I wish someone would just grab me by the head, say yes, tell me it's my responsibility to keep writing my stupid novel. But it feels just as much like a waste of time. I should have finished school.

I have to pack things for my upcoming move, which I don't even know if it's going to happen, so if it doesn't, am I going to have to go back through all the tubs? What am I even going to do?

So that's where I'm at. I'm trying.

In these times, I practice what I call "now let's say one nice thing". Here is my nice thing to say: I have my local library. They recognize me now, apparently, and appreciate my presence. The library is LGBT friendly. The library has computers. The people there have helped me while I have been broke. It might be in my best interest to try to participate in community events.