Watching things come apart 2026/08/19
Modern Internet is way more hostile to cognitive disabilities and OCD than I think it has ever been. It is just not usable for those with substantial disability, mental included. This seems clear to me now.
I don't see an answer to it. I used to take this kind of thing very personally because I saw the Internet as my home. At the moment I feel like my home has been razed to put a casino in its place. I don't think I can do my part to fix this.
I will continue running Eggware Social's services but I do not see the hope of a "better Internet". I might have to think about scaling down, which sucks because I thought this idea had legs. At the moment I just have to accept I'm here to host things, which is good enough, but I had hoped for real change. I was naive, or maybe genuinely didn't have the information to know things would get this bad. I don't remember.
I have lost the structural integrity of my support networks to collective malaise. I feel bad every single time I have to whine about it because my friends just genuinely cannot take it anymore and I don't blame them even a little bit. Most of the things I have to complain about are sensitive topics, and everyone I know has radically different opinions on everything right now. None of this is a Bad Thing, but I'm tired and so are they. We are all tired. We have seen suicides, this year.
I've done my part in the ways that I could, and most days I just get drowned in the message that I'm not doing enough. I don't think anyone can do enough except for the people who care the least.
I play a lot of video games recently. When I'm not playing video games, I try to exercise or do chores around the house. When I can't do any of those, I sleep. I'd like to pick up more variety in hobbies, but it's hard when I know I'm just distracting myself from the death of everything I held dear. The only real escape from my pain right now is delusion and I feel ashamed of that.
Hello from 2026. 2026/08/07
I don't know what to write here. I'm just here to try to get back to blogging again.
I don't remember much of what I did in 2024. The end of that year was around when I made the decision to start archiving old Furcadia resources.
In 2025 I found out that my mom died. Then the main Furcadia archivist got chased out of the community, which is not as serious as my mom dying, but did rip away the one thing I was holding on to for stability. Then I lost contact with a lot of friends [edited for phrasing] because everyone I know has been at their mental limit, which I understand all too well because I'm also at my limit, but I've been lonely.
There's a hole in my life that I'm just pouring sand into. Most days I can't do it and I just spend the hours waiting for bedtime. I lost my passion for going to the library, which you might remember was pretty much my entire personality when I was last blogging. I started going to therapy but I couldn't tell you if I've gotten any better because in all honesty it's just been about talking me out of the pits of suicidal depression every two weeks.
I'm taking down my portfolio since I no longer do commissions under this username. I also do not stream, nor have I been making videos. I rarely draw art that is up to my standards of publishing. I've tried this year to participate in activism, but I haven't felt like I'm reaching anybody.
When I'm awake, I'm usually either playing RetroAchievements or Minecraft. Since video games and writing have become the only thing I can seem to do, I try occasionally to write about video games, but it seems like everything that could be said about video games has already been said.
I do try not to overshare, but what is there to do when the only things I could share are depressing?
So I'm blogging again. At least that's an environment where writing depressing things is expected.
Happy new year! 2024/01/11
Been a while! No real reason. Other than that I spent the past month setting up the latest rendition of my Minecraft server. Modded Minecraft is a black hole.
I'm here because I'm taking a break from Tumblr, because my dashboard has been posting about some stuff that hits way too close to home for me, and I don't want to unfollow anyone because they should be posting about it but aughhh my brain is like an egg held together with scotch tape. Scotch egg.
I'm running a bit behind on launching IHATEART (website project I've been working on). I am running very behind on updating Needleminder. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I don't really want to go to it. I have chores today and I don't want to go to them either. I think I might be procrastinating by writing this blog post, but I was also a month late on making a new blog post, so I'm technically also accomplishing something. The heck am I supposed to do here?
Mountain of tasks aside, I think things in my life are going pretty well right now. Oh, right, um, I've stopped streaming. Big change. I'm happy with it, I think it was negatively impacting my friendships. Admittedly that means I've lost an income source but I have to protect my sanity here.
I post a lot on my forums and I feel like they are going very well. My Minecraft server is doing great, better than it's ever been. I even redid the EggwareXYZ Discord server and that's been nice too. And I feel closer to my friends than ever.
I have nothing to really complain about except for the omnipresent cloud of dread that I think haunts every American nowadays. And that's good enough for me. At least my problems are relatable and not some of the weirdest shit you've ever heard of.
Anyway, I made a new contact page, because I'm feeling mentally well enough that talking to people probably won't implode me! I don't wanna even acknowledge how bad it was before.
Oh yeah, I probably won't make another post in a week, so I might as well bring up that I've had this blog for a year! That's pretty cool! Also you can definitely see how bad my social anxiety was back then. Also also rereading that is funny because I am mainly on Mastodon now.
The world is a nice place, other than literally everything about it. I've gotten so much support over the years and I'm so grateful for it. I'm excited to see where the future takes me.